THE AMAZINGLY EVIL INTELLIGENCE OF THE COSTA RICAN PIPA

A MORNING SUBSTITUTE FOR COFFEE, OR
THE AMAZINGLY EVIL INTELLIGENCE OF THE COSTA RICAN PIPA
In manzanillo there are at least 2 kinds of coconuts. One produces the conventional coconut. Hard meat inside and no liquid, at least none when it decides to fall. Locals only value it when they need to grind the meat to make coconut milk for cooking. But its far easier to just buy the pieces of already shelled meat, and proceed from there. The extravagant, or the truly lazy, like most foreigners, can even buy the milk. Let someone else do the work. The other kind of coconut is called pipa. When it falls or is coaxed from its tree, it has no meat, but contains liquid that is refreshing, with just a hint of sweetness, and supposed to be very good for the health. As a further enticement, each pipa seems to contain just about exactly one cup of liquid. Abel planted several pipa trees in the yard when he built the house. So it is enticing indeed to drink a pipa every morning as ones wakeup beverage. There are three ways to obtain the juice nesting within. The first requires a machine shop equipped with band saw or drill press. Since few of us travel with such paraphernalia, We will eliminate that option from our consideration. The 2nd requires the deft manipulation of a machete. You must slice off the top, till you expose the cavity, this without spilling the nectar within. Not as easy as it seems and one could lose fingers in the process. The 3rd way, and we are not invoking the principles of georges gurgief here, is if you know the piba’s secret. Which is that where the stem comes out, the stem that joined the pipa to its branch, is the soft spot. If you twist off the stem, and then simply poke a somewhat sharp instrument into the soft spot, you can pierce the otherwise impenetrable shell and get to the nectar. Therein lies the evil. If nature were kind, she would have a notice printed on each pipa: caution, contents under pressure. But nature is not kind. She is bountiful, but she is neutral, and can at times be rather unforgiving. This is one of those times. A pipa is round. Rather difficult to hold while pushing your sharp instrument into the soft spot. You do not have a table with large vice. Drat. No willing accomplice is nearby. Double drat. You have strong desires to drink the nectar. The natural thing at this point is to sit down with your round piba held between your feet and pierce the soft spot. And now the evil intelligence shows itself. For no matter how you position the piba, no matter from what direction you apply your instrument. The pipa, will always, always manage to spray you right in the crotch. There is no escape. Accept it. Expect it. Live with it. Such is the price for your morning drink from the pipa. Call it a double wakeup call.